So there are a number of lukewarm reviews popping up for this EA made game adaptation; G.I. JOE: The Rise of Cobra. Why the hell am I deeming it worthy enough to write about though? Well firstly; when I wrote an inflammatory article about the new Transformers game adaptation it HAULED ASS in terms of our internet page visits, attributed completely in fact to Megan Fox and her highly popular ass cheeks (as a search topic). Secondly, I find myself strangely attracted to this game in a terrifying, Kavorka reminiscent way…

Why? I have to really search myself for answers, though I suspect that although this game is essentially gonna turn out to be game trash (the kind of poorly fashioned crank that a small team threw together in a hurry, purely to coincide with a film release date) It might just so happen to be fun trash…

How? Well after watching a bunch of footage from the game I’m getting some chakra massaging retro influential vibes, which leads me to believe that the poor souls who were put in charge of making this game happen (most definitely inside of a somewhat unrealistically brief production period) have made the wise decision to keep it simple and familiar. Sure they could have easily hitched onto the trash big-budget, cinema-to-game bandwagon and used their sparse production time to put together some typical 3^rd person shooter/semi-sandbox style cluster fuck with ass loads of collision bugs, terrible transitional animation cycles and overall repellent gameplay… but they’ve supposedly decided in favour of naught.

G.I.JOE: The Rise of Cobra looks like a simple romp, falling somewhere squarely between legendary relics of the late 80’s; Ikari Warriors by SNK and Cabal by TAD. Players chose from a roster of Joes before plunging into a classic rail shooter style environ, in which one or two players must take cover behind objects in the immediate foreground while picking off numerous enemy targets in the distant background. We’re talkin about the same awesome gameplay essentially pioneered by the original Cabal arcade game here (and later popularised by the T2: Judgement Day arcade game). Once players have wiped out the immediate threat they press on deeper into enemy territory, which in turn suddenly manifests a shmup reminiscent format, conjuring fond memories of hours spent pressing on deeper into Ikari Warriors.

So to clarify; we’re talking about a cheap nasty film adaptation that could potentially make for a cheap nasty honest-to-goodness retrofest. The most sobering aspect of which being a certain familiarity for the folks who played Rambos with their action figures as a kid, in between playing Rambos on the >insert cherished childhood console name here< console. Or on the other hand perhaps I’m just kidding myself, looking aimlessly for something that identifies with the original subject matter and game culture from the same decade, back when G.I JOE was king of the sandpit.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure I mentioned already that the whole thing is gonna be trash; players are tiny PS2 grade actors on screen, guns are set to constant auto aim and every-single line of dialogue spoken in game is reproduced in subtitle text across the bottom of the screen, including death screams made by enemies, making 50% of all subtitles displayed something to the effect of “Cobra Soldier: AAAAARGH”.

And then theres the big questions like, where’s Destro’s sweet mask? Would you honestly like it if people referred to you as ‘Snow Job’? Why the hell do they all have to be clad in black X-Men movie outfits? And WHERE’S MY BODY MASSAGE?!

Sadly there have been stories circulating round the campfire that many of the game’s voice actors did in fact record a number of variations on “Pork Chop Sandwiches!” to be used as randomly occurring enemy death samples. Though sadly those familiar with the Fensler film PSA’s from their debut on the internet will recall that Kenner/Hasbro have never had any glimmer of a sense of humour in regards to these priceless little cultural memes. It has been suggested that the inclusion of these samples would probably boost sales of the game considerably thought Kenner/Hasbro simply won’t budge.

Those who read the original cease & desist order sent to Eric Fensler (which he posted on his front page at the time) would have been somewhat taken aback by how threatening it read, it indeed makes for a grim mental picture of the company. And rightly so I’d say, at the end of the day they are a very successful American owned toy company who once cornered the market for an entire decade with designer war toys. I like to picture the CEO as a fifty something white guy with a number two haircut, American flag banner strung behind his mahogany desk, swimsuit poster of Sarah Palin on the wall next to his gun rack and collection of stuffed deer heads; this is a man who simply won’t stand to have some smarmy internet video artist point out that Gung-Ho simply HAD to be a flaming homo…

But I digress, perhaps all these questions will be answered if we go buy the game… I’ll have to think about it some more.